2.22.2018

The Battle Within

Today's post is dedicated in loving memory of my father, who died on March 31, 2010 due to leukemia. This month I lost another great friend, mentor, second dad to cancer so I am a bit emotionally shaken up. 

I hope by honoring and remembering my dad today I can further my healing and perhaps hand out virtual hugs to those missing their loved ones today. Cancer is vicious and I know I am not alone in missing a loved one who has lost the battle. I am also not alone in praying for many fighting that battle still today. 

The battle within.

We all have internal struggles and the intensity or manifestation of them can vary from day to day, week to week, or year to year. The end of last year depression and anxiety were vicious and I am happy to say, I have been so much better this year! I am getting back into my workout routine and running with more zest in my step; however, the past week or two have been harder. This is part of the ebb and flow of workouts.

It could also be a side effect of my morning routine which is getting quite full with daily bible reading, time dedicated to The Love Dare challenge I am doing, and just having a busy day and getting to bed way too late to be up and moving by 3:00 am. But I refuse to get discouraged.

There is a lesson in here somewhere and just the other day I had to reflect on the business in life and how stress can make you irritable. Stress of losing a loved one is hard to totally remove but the stress of not sleeping enough can be mitigated. But it is a delicate balancing act with the stress of not working out enough which I know negatively impacts my mood.

Life is a dance. 

Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow. Or if you are like me, you feel you are never leading but frantically hanging on to just see where your next move is but that in itself is a lie. I am a mom. I am leading whether I see it or not. Whether I like it or not. How I live my life shows an example, leads my daughter, in how she should live her life. And her seeing me not giving in on the non-negotiables - faith, love, kindness, God - is a way I am quite happy to lead her. And I thank God for the gift of my faith that will hold me up and carry me on when I feel I am falling apart and nothing I do makes a difference.

The peace within.

And through those battles I learn to better find and hang on to my inner peace. I am not perfect. I fall down. Case in point - an emotionally tough work day, limited exercise, and raging migraine added to the feelings of grief and missing my dad resulted in this momma being on a short fuse and raising her voice out of frustration when she just wanted a hug of support, to feel someone cared, to feel she was not alone. My soul ached and I felt bad for losing my cool but then it hit me today, I am clinging to my ideals of how things should be too much and if I just let go and let be I will be much more at peace.

May the peace be with you too.

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for Jesus' example of submitting to God's will. 

Daily Bible Verse: Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done. ~ Luke 22:42

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