I just found my way back to my blog and realized it is dangerously close to one month since I last blogged. This was not my intention but to be completely honest and transparent, it has been a hard month.
It seems friends and family all around me are being diagnosed with cancer with some being more critical, more terminal, than others. This is taking an emotional toll on me as I feel so helpless and yearn to be a beacon of light in their time of struggle. It can be incredibly hard when you live on an island in the middle of the Pacific and family is thousands of miles away.
On the bright side, I have joined a Healing Ministry at my parish as part of the leading team and we meet weekly on Monday evenings at the church to pray for healing for ourselves and others. On the 20th we were blessed with so many coming to receive healing prayers and I can feel God's love there. On the 20th I also bit the bullet and asked for healing prayers for myself - to give me the strength to overcome this nagging depression and anxiety that has been so burdensome this year. I know I am not alone and I offer up my suffering for God to do His glorious work and pray that my hurting can help others.
If you follow me on twitter, you may have seen the start of my #depressionandanxietyawareness campaign that I am hosting there and on my personal facebook page. I know holidays can be tough for so many and I pray that somehow this can bring some relief to at least one soul in pain. And for me, it is easier to tweet when I feel strained than to pull together a coherent blog post.
But this journey of mine has not been lost without golden glimpses here and there. Through this sometimes dark and dreary path I am finding so many shimmering gems of insight, words of wisdom, and purpose in life. I feel I am becoming smaller in a good way and that means, my goals or inner drive is being redirected to what matters most. I can see how scars in the past, desire to just be loved, has led me to make bad decisions and how those can snowball and leave you somewhere cold and barren. I am also finding my way out.
Call it odd, but somehow my running rut is making me stronger...emotionally and spiritually...although I would be lying if I said I don't care if my running strength and speed ever comes back. I do want that. But I also see how this slowed down time has allowed inner reflection on how many things I have done to please others, to feel loved, to be more lovable, and they amount to nothing at all but empty attempts to find an inner peace that material things, time on the clock, or other actions haven't and never can fill. Life is so much more. True love is so much more. True love does not care how much you weigh, what your hair looks like, what you are wearing, or how fast you can run a mile. True love is unconditional and y'all, that is really, really cool. True love is the love of a child, child-like love, giving, soul soothing, unconditional love. God's love.
So I may be absent from time to time but I am not gone. I am finding my way through this crazy journey of life and finding the beauty among the thorns of reality.
Please join me on twitter to follow #depressionandanxietyawareness and please retweet when your heart pulls you to as I truly feel we can do wonderful things together. Here are some of the post images: