9.12.2017

Internal Struggles: Finding your path

Your mind is a powerful tool that can work for your benefit or against you at times. I have been struggling with mine recently. Struggling with staying positive and not so hard on myself. Struggling to stay joyful and confident that I did make the best choice to ween off meds and am fully capable of standing firm on living a life with episodes of depression, anxiety, etc. and not letting those moments rule my life.

It isn't always easy and my struggle now is that my life is changing but part of me is clinging to the patterns of old. My security blanket.

For so long I identified myself as a runner and the miles I logged each week defined me. It was easy to get into that mindset as I moved from a casual runner to running my first marathon in 2011. In that training, mileage increases became natural tendencies to validate myself and my worth.

But life changes.

And change is good.

But when that change is so different from how you have defined yourself for so long it can lead to an internal struggle that I am currently trying to work my way through. You see, running is not bringing me the joy it used to so I am choosing to run less and cross train more. Cross training brings me joy and I honestly believe was a gift from God to help me through this period of transition in life.

But at the end of the week with many 1 miles days resulting in low mileage weeks I feel like a failure for only running x miles versus x miles. You can fill in those x's however you want but a part of me is having a hard time swallowing less than 20 miles a week, and sometimes barely more than 10, when I was running 30-40 a week and my husband is out running like crazy with everyone telling me how awesome he is. It makes me wonder if I am doing enough but deep down, I know I am. I am doing more.

I have been getting up around 3:30 am, reading my daily bible readings, reading my consecration to Mary daily reading, running at least a mile, and cross training before heading out to work at 5:30 am. That is a lot and a huge accomplishment that I am starting my day with so many successes but yet I feel like I am flopping because of that silly number thing. It drives me nuts as I move through this inner struggle.

It is like being stuck on a bridge looking back to the island of your past and wanting that so badly but looking forward to the island of your growth and wanting that so badly and being torn. Which way to go? Which way to go? Which way to go?

And I hear myself as I tell my daughter in her internal struggles, just make a choice and go. Move forward and grow. Trust. Have faith.

And I am afraid. Afraid I am failing or making excuses for not working hard enough, running long enough, giving enough but yearning ever so deeply to just curl up at the feet of God and say, show me the way. And yet, I think He is. He is saying let go. Why don't you trust me? Move forward. Have faith. Numbers do not define you. Those are worldly things. Grow. Grow. Give more. Grow!

So in a nutshell I am lost. I want to move forward and grow but I do not know what that means. I see the comforts of my past, my definition of me of the past, my safety net, and I want to cling to that out of fear but know I need to move forward in faith.

I had dreams of running more marathons, a relay, and an ultra one day and right now, I am not sure if that will ever happen. I feel weak letting go of dreams but wonder if those dreams are really my dreams today or just dreams I grew comfortable with. Just secular dreams when I have greater spiritual dreams yearning to be exposed and realized.

I am lost and floundering a bit and that makes it hard to blog and share. But perhaps sharing my struggles and lost feeling is what I am meant to do today. Together, we can encourage one another to have faith, to trust more deeply, and to move forward in life even when it means letting go of old dreams to realize new and bigger dreams....even if you are clueless about what those dreams are.

And at the end of the day, I will be happy I choose to run to God and let go of self doubt and negative thoughts. Perhaps this is what it means to lose your self to follow God. If only I could be so lucky!

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for my daughter's unconditional love.

Daily Bible Verse: Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. ~ Luke 15:1-5

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