You have seen me flounder a bit lately with finding my purpose and meaning in life as I struggle between what the secular world says I should be versus what my inner being wants to be, which the more I learn, is closely tied to who God created me to be.
I want to be a stay at home mom. I want to knead bread and make fresh bread, homemade dinner, handmade crafts, cook, clean, pickle, can, and play galore. I do. By golly, even the idea of home schooling intrigues me. Baking cookies, gardening, sweating and working my butt off at home.
But that is not where I can be in life. My income is needed to help support my family and dear hubby and I are doing a pretty good job of ensuring darling daughter is with us when she is not in school. And I may be pushing my limits as I craft and garden away with darling, toy with homemade pickles, homemade cleaning supplies, homemade dinners (as often as I can), and homemade bread via the bread machine.
This leaves me feeling tired and over extended at times and I got to confess, I get grouchy. Overwhelmed, unappreciated, what is the purpose grouchy.
And then after 4 hours at the stables watching darling daughter struggle to get it all in check and lovingly care for her horse it hit me. Life is a struggle and this is where I am supposed to be. Yes, there is a part of me that wanted to run that marathon on October 15th and I dreamed of running it with dear hubby but in all reality, he really won't want to run my "slow" pace and I don't really want to run by him feeling "slow" and I don't want to run. I mean, I do but I don't want to train. Training has taken over my life. For 8 years I have been officially in training mode for the next big race not feeling good enough for hitting my plan and getting tired and grouchy. I have had enough.
I want to fly free in life and stop worrying about x miles, what I am eating, how much I weigh, or if I am good enough. What is good enough anyhow? And who can tell me if I am good enough? Not me. I have been lying to myself for years saying I am not good enough and I have had enough.
It is time to fly free.
To be me. The me God wants me to be. The me who can sit and sip on a glass of white wine while darling daughter crafts, we watch Heartland, and I blog because I want to. I am having enough of worrying about tomorrow. I have had enough of worrying, stressing, planning, being serious. I am done. And in my mind right now I am singing, "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R'Us Kid" and I want to be young and fly free. Worry free. Stress free. Heaviness free. Guilt free. Free to be me. The me God created me to be. The me free of daily headaches and achy shoulders. Free.
I would like to say that makes it all easy, peasy, lemon, squeezy but it isn't. I have not one inkling who God wants me to be besides a wife, mom, and a crazy Catholic loving woman. But what else am I supposed to be doing?
I don't know but I will fly free following him and learning day by day what I am to do and I am going to do the best to ground each day on my faith and continue to turn to fitness to keep me going strong in more ways than one.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for the beautiful scenery at the stables.
Daily Bible Verse: Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. ~ Matthew 6:34