5.15.2017

Letting Go

It has been way too long since I have posted but I have been unbelievably busy between getting over a cold that turned into bronchitis, attending an amazing retreat, resting, resting, resting, and trying to get back to me.

The illness knocked me off my training routine and I am struggling to get back into it but part of the struggle may be the weight of this post that has been on my mind and in my heart to write for so long.

There is something about this song that touches me. The walls, the shame, the secrets, the burden can be unbelievably heavy.

Did you listen to it? Go ahead. I'll still be here waiting for you to come back after you really absorb the words.

I have listened to this song many times over the past couple of years (if I am remembering right from when I first received the CD set as a gift from my buddy's mom) but recently it has been pulling and tugging at me.

I have been sharing my story of depression, anxiety, and PTSD but I have been very small in my circle of sharing the core of the issues mainly because I fear judgment and man, have I been hard on myself!

I would love to say Mother's Day was a blast but there was a sadness in me that is still so raw even though I am finally able to say, "I love myself. I forgive myself." How can I not after feeling the warmth of God's love rush through me and being able to yell, "I am mad at you, God, but I still love you immensely!!!" and feel Him wrap His arms around me and say, "I understand and that is okay. You won't always be mad." And I'm not.

But I am hurting and I am mourning. If you have been following my story any extent of time you know how much I love and adore my daughter, how she is my gift from God, and my life. My why. My reason for living and my motivation to be the best me I can be. I am head over heels in love with that girl and she knows it!

But I also have two precious angels in Heaven that tug at my heart strings - one lost due to miscarriage, one due to abortion. I thought I would never be able to forgive myself for being so stupidly blind and believing all the lies and falling under the pressure of coercion but after more than 17 years I can finally say, "I made a very bad choice but that does not make me bad." and just typing those words has opened a flood of tears that need to be released. I have so many and it will take many good cries to let them all out but that is okay. I will be okay.

I am letting "my secret" out because I am just tired of carrying it alone in shame and I am tired of not being able to say, I miss my children in Heaven. I do. I love them immensely. I am not a mother of one child. I am a mother of three PLUS two step sons. That is five kids that I love with all of my heart and soul even though the boys "came to me" when they were older and may not consider me a "mom" but that is okay. I am okay.

And I am strong. My scars are here for all to see but that is okay. It is what I am being called to do. To be the voice of those still too hurt to speak. To be the voice for those who can't speak. To be the voice of pain, sadness, regret, healing, joy, and rediscovery through the grace of God. And I am beyond honored to work for God!

He took one messed up and broken lady and dusted me off. He blessed me with my husband and darling daughter. He got me back into the church moving up from the very back pew where I hid in shame to the front where I could fully hear and embrace mass. He got me to get my marriage validated and to right all the craziness I did out of shame. He gave me the courage to be a lector and to read His word in front of all the congregation without falling down!!! That is big.

But what is bigger is He guided me to Silent No More where I am the Hawaii Regional Coordinator and I will tell my story publicly so others may find healing from their inner turmoil. And if you judge me, that's fine, but I am forgiven and finally have forgiven myself through the grace of God and that is an amazing hug to myself that is all powerful and will lift me up when I feel down.

I am letting go of the guilt, the shame, the pain, the hiding and moving forward in strength and confidence and by golly, it feels good! And to think, Beachbody (affiliate link to my coach page) helped me get this inner strength too! I love that God can use my fitness routines to get me back on track emotionally....and that he can use my blogging and letting go to get back on track physically.

I am letting go of the weight of my secret and will forge ahead in strength!!!

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for forgiveness.

Daily Bible Verse: Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:31-32

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