2.09.2017

Why I didn't run - Fighting to be well

Today's post is going to be a very raw, hard to write post. But I believe in transparency and have felt called to share my story to help others. Many times I feel we keep quiet and don't mention the things that need to be mentioned the most. We talk fads, greatest looks, good reads, amazing restaurants, and family vacations and reunions but hide the things that can hurt - ourselves and others.

Depression.

It is real and it is agonizing and unfortunately, it is still greatly misunderstood. It may not have any physical obvious symptoms and the "cheer up" doesn't work. Trust me, it doesn't. If it did I would not be where I am today. Hurting and struggling each day to make it through but I am confident, by God's grace, I will.

I love how life works and can see all the amazing blessings in my life so that in itself shows that depression is not logical. I can feel the joy of all my blessings but my heart can still ache and the hazy grey cloud can still linger and the emptiness can still persist...yes, even when I watch my daughter riding a horse and feel so joyful to have her in my life. Depression is crazy.

My daughter is my gift from God and another gift was me becoming a Beachbody Coach. Through this, I have met amazing people, some coaches, some not, some fighting the same battle I am, and some with the same faith foundation. We are united and that is beyond cool. I even started a training/challenge group with a focus on health and nutrtion to help combat depression, anxiety, and stress. If you want in, email me and I will get you hooked up and yes, it is free.

But back to my story.

I didn't race the Maui Oceanfront Marathon in January and almost didn't race the Maui Marathon in September. I had good reasons for not racing. My planning was off. I was called to do different things. I didn't want to. I loved what I was doing. Racing wasn't my thing right now. I didn't want to race because others thought I should. Blah, blah, blah.

Don't take me bring quiet as me being aloof, uncaring, or anti-social. Sometimes I withdraw inside, honestly, to protect my core, to re-focus my energy, and to find the strength to be who God is calling me to be.
As I type those now I can see them for what they are. All signs of my depression rearing up. All excuses showing the same lack of interest in things you once loved. Yes, I was doing other things trying to cope and to take care of it all by myself but I was struggling.

I felt anxious, lonely, and not 100% but I covered that with my excuses of working 1+ jobs, my full-time job getting more intense, hormones, getting older, life. Again, all excuses that I got so talented at telling myself over the years. I am very good at sugar coating things to myself to try to cope and that brings me to where I am today.

I have also gotten much better at following my calling in life. I spoke at the 40 Days for Life on O'ahu in October and the March for Life just last month on Maui and in hindsight, those events and speeches tore at me and my old wounds in ways I wasn't prepared for. I have been telling myself I am fine and repeating that mantra and avoiding the fact that right now, this momma,  needs help.

And I am getting it.

I am proud of myself for reaching out for help and encourage all others struggling to do the same but I wil be honest. I feel embarassed and weak. I feel like a failure that I am back on anti-depressants after not taking any since 2010 for a few months after my Dad's death. I am mad at myself for getting to this point again and as the tears stream down my face I know it is because I feel like I will be judged and not good enough.

But even in this moment of desparate weakness I feel a inner joy and strength that I have the courage to write this post and tell you, and the whole world, that I am struggling. But I have faith that I can't even begin to explain that through this torturous struggle I will find a glorious and radiant light on the other side.  I have been warned it will get harder before it gets better as my depression is part of post traumatic stress disorder and I need to go back to that original trauma I have been ignoring, hidiing, sugar coating, and face it head on. It won't be going through 17 years of denial, suppressed feelings, self-hate, guilt, and just plain uckiness but I can do this and through it I will find the next step on my mission in life and I am ecstatic about that.

So, I will continue the meds I was strongly suggested to take, and thank you God for a doctor who listened to all my concerns and went super low dose for me, and I will go to therapy, and I will go back to an amazing healing retreat this coming May, and I will share my experience of healing because I know, I am not alone. More than 15 million Americans suffer from depression. That is about 6.7% of the population of those 18 or older. That is a lot. We are not alone and God is by our side to carry us through.

Each day may be a struggle to get out of bed, to get moving, to run, and to workout. I may be annoyed I am only running a mile a day but 7 years ago, I was running nothing. I count that a blessing that at least now my streak has me"motivated" enough to keep it alive as I do not want depression to be the reason my streak ends.

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for clear, blue skies.

Daily Bible Verse: I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ~ John 16:33

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