2.22.2017

Remembering Dad

Ugh! This time of the year is tough. Not only is it the busiest time at work but today is my Dad's birthday.

Oh how I miss him...immensely miss him....will forever miss him.

I can only pray he is proud of me as he looks down at me and the life I am carving out. I pray he is at peace in Heaven and finds comfort in me praying for him and that his life, and more accurately, his death forever changed my life.

Losing my dad devastated me to the core but it was also the catapult to me coming back into my faith. I remember our last hug and darling daughter loves hearing the Grandpa stories I share...including our last hug.

Darling daughter was so young at two and I wish she had more time to get to know her Grandpa. We were visiting him and hoped to arrive on his birthday but our plans changed when darling daughter came down sick. I didn't want to travel with a sick kiddo and I really feared her bringing germs to my dad who was already fighting leukemia. When we got there we were blessed with him having time at home but he got a fever and had to go back into the hospital. Darling daughter was too young to go up to the floor he was on so he came down to us but got tired...rightfully so...and was going to go back up. I gave him a hug good bye, told him I loved him, and hung on a bit longer. I even remember telling darling daughter to wait as I wanted to hug my Daddy a wee bit longer. That may have been the first time I told her to wait just because I wanted something for me and to this day I remember it. How blessed I was that I did hang on longer, that I told her to wait, and looking back I can only say even then God was working in me and letting me know...hold on, hold on a bit longer. That was my final hug.

As much as I don't regret one thing about that final hug, I want it back. I want darling daughter to hear her Grandpa's voice, his laugh, his teasing and amazing sense of humor. I try to tell her every single story about him that I remember to make him "real" to her..as "real" to her and her Grandma is to her.

And to this day, I try my best to make it to Texas each summer to see my mom, to allow darling daughter to have lots of Grandma time, and I have the best mom ever who helps me achieve this as flights to Texas are expensive.

I yearn to be back on the mainland, to be close to family, and to do my best to ensure my daughter has lasting memories. Memories to hold in her heart forever. As much as I am working to achieve this, there are days I get discouraged and feel I am falling backwards instead of moving forward but I am thinking, this is a place and time for me to focus on what I am telling myself and to work on increasing positive thinking and my faith in God.

I know God knows my desires and I trust in him and his plans for me and my family. God willing, that includes being back on the mainland one day even though the thought of leaving beautiful, easy going, very small roads, Maui behind. Change is scary even when the change is a yearning in your heart.

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for family.

Daily Bible Verse: He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. ~ Revelation 21:4

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