It was a tough night Thursday and one thing really stood out front and center - I need to stop letting what people think and say to me get under my skin and provoke me. Period. End of story. I am tired of allowing others to rob me of my happiness, joy, self-esteem, and hope. I am tired of them bring out the worst in me. And what ached me the most is Thursday night I cried out in agony as I felt hope slipping away. Hope is what I am. Hope is what keeps me going. Hope is who I am. Hopeful, positive, uplifting, suck-it-up-buttercup not the crying nothing matters, it is no use, I give up, who cares, I am throwing in the towel, forget it all lady crying herself to sleep!
But as I stand here typing I am thinking, yep, some days suck. Some days I feel weak and hopeless but I know I am not alone. I cried out asking if anything I do matters and I heard a resounding YES.
I reached out to others and got the reaffirmation to not give up hope. To not let anyone steal your happiness. Be joy.
I stood up for myself and said, yes, I am not who I was 10 years ago so deal with it. I am BETTER! 10 years ago I was a train wreck. I didn't value anything including my life. I felt unworthy and let people treat me as such. Well, I am worthy! And so are you, and you, and you, and yes, YOU! We are all children of God and lovable.
In my avoiding social media and any comparisons that could bring me down I tuned into my favorite station and talk show hosts on Immaculate Heart Radio reminding me to be....yep, you got it....hopeful. To NOT be so hard on myself. It was like they were talking directly to me.
Why are you so hard on yourself? Why do you think you are unworthy? Why do you assume that getting the worst is what you deserve? Why don't you love yourself? Why, Erica, WHY? Because you screwed up?! Guess what, we all do!
Grab a baby picture of yourself and look at it. Okay, I had to do this mentally as I was driving but do it. Look at yourself as a baby. Now that baby messes up, cries, knocks something over, is hurting, crying....what are you going to do? Be mad? Get annoyed? Say you screwed up, deal with it? Say it is the price you have to pay? NO! You know you won't. By golly, if you are anything like me you are cooing and ahhhing and saying it is going to be okay. You are compassionate giving love and mercy. That baby is YOU. You now. You here. You reading this. Why are you being so tough on you?
I can't give you a good reason because I couldn't give myself one beyond.....geesh, how did I get so cold and hard? Why do I treat others better than me? Why can't I forgive myself and move forward in love and grace?
It is hard. Very hard at times. And sometimes you, like me, will lose hope. You might want to yell out or cry it out. Climb into bed, pull the covers over your head, and hide it out. And if you are like me you get mad at yourself for being down when you know you are blessed and others struggling through more....and this is just me being mean to the baby me. Stop it already!
If you are feeling down, I understand. If you miss your family, I understand. If you want one more day with your dad, I understand. If you want you husband to just say thank you, I understand. If you want someone to just give you a hug when you are stressed over finances, I understand. If you are mad because people are hurt and people are fighting cancer and people are saying goodbye to those who have died this holiday season, I understand. I understand. And if you are just ugh and you have no idea why, I understand. Trust me, I understand.
So here is a huge virtual hug and a reminder that you are cool, amazing, and lovable. You are worthy and beautiful and strong! You are AMAZING and I am glad to share my life, and this life, with you.
I love you and God bless.
Have a very merry Christmas and hang on to that hope.
Love and hugs,