With that said, I was an emotional roller coaster because a) I didn't feel good and b) I was questioning my running.
My training isn't 100% rock on and that is bugging me. I know the reasons why but still I am bugged. Then I got to wondering, does the goal to break a 4 hour marathon really matter? I posted it to facebook and one brave person chimed in that nope, it doesn't matter. I love honesty. And it doesn't matter. That doesn't mean that the hope and dream to break a 4 hour marathon has vanished from my heart. That would make life easier. It is still there but tucked deeper as other things take priority.
So Saturday is long run day...for now. Which means long runs on the treadmill most days and that is discouraging but doable. Fingers crossed that darling daughter's horse lessons aren't permanently changed to Saturdays because that will take some serious planning. But all in all, it is doable. And in all reality, I think my recent long run issues have been due to boredom on the treadmill.
Right now I feel that focusing on the time is wearing on me and making me feel not-so-good about myself and running is a gift that shouldn't leave me feeling blah. I am so lucky to run every day and I want to feel that joy. I also feel my life being pulled to a different path. A path that doesn't need faster but better. And stress triggers my chronic condition to reveal itself.
At a moment of weakness this weekend I sat teary-eyed and darling came over to see what is up. I asked her does time matter? Does breaking a 4 hour marathon matter? She hugged me and said, no, it doesn't matter how fast I am, just how far I go. My first thought was wow, I have a very smart daughter. My second thought was a marathon is 26.2 miles and right now 6 felt tough. Granted, I am not 100% but you get the point.
Time doesn't matter. At the end of the day I won't score my life on paces but rather on did I do the best I could? Did I make a positive impact? Did I do a good job raising my daughter? Is she learning the lessons in life I want her to learn? Will she reach out and include someone no matter what? I want all of those answers to be yes more than I want to break a 4 hour marathon.
So for now, the time goal is being set to the side. I let my coach know and now I just want to run that marathon the best I can and be happy. He is on board with me. I need to let go of some stress in life and just be happy.
It took me awhile to type this as I felt I was quitting or giving up. It took me time to realize it takes strength to divert off of the path you were on and step onto an unknown path. I do not know where this path leads. I am nervous but I am also excited.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for a supportive coach.
Daily Affirmation: Through prayer and reflection I move along my life's path.