Suck it up Buttercup!
My running this week has been no walk in the park. No rushing endorphins. No feeling of grandeur. It has been a true testiment of determination to do what I know deep down inside I should do and what I want to do. Don't get me wrong, each day I have wanted to run. The thing is, my runs have felt awkward like a new baby taking their first steps. My legs seem to be disconnected from my brain and feel funny. I feel myself tensing up on the treadmill. In all reality, I am tense from the second I step onto it. With this fear I started my run today, did a measly 2.88 miles, and stepped off to go do my yoga. As I left the gym I pondered how on Earth can I break a 4:00 marathon if a simple 3 miler is kicking my butt?!
The thing is, I know I am stressed and feel the burden of the world on my shoulders. I know there is a lot going on, a lot I need to do. Each day dear hubby asks me how work is and I say busy. He says good but in all reality, less busy would be fine. An avalanche is crushing down on me and burying me so deep I wonder if I will ever pull myself out. I run and do yoga daily. I scratch to keep my breathing hole open and to keep in touch with myself and my inner core somehow but I am barely hanging on.
And then something happened. On my drive into work today I had a thought. An idea. A vision. Something I want us to do at work. I know it is hard but I also know we can do it, we should do it. Just dig deep. Keep asking. I feel myself being buoyed up with inspiration and the hope of better things to come. I feel....wait...optimistic!!!! Yes, optimistic! I am back!
Even before leaving the gym I knew I needed to stop mourning the miles I didn't run. I was beginning to see the light and accept where I am today. I realized what I run today really won't negatively impact my big goals in running. I know I am doing yoga and that is impacting my body. I know I need to stick to it as I do see improvements. I know my body is working hard, adapting, and getting stronger. I realize it could be affecting how my legs feel. I know these little runs feel measly to me but I also know they are big. I could have chosen not to run. I wouldn't...but I could. Years ago I would have. But not now. I am getting mentally stronger. And the fact that I keep going back to my daily run each and every day this week when they have been blah and I feel fear building up inside of me just shows me that the inner strength I will need to achieve my big goals is there. This string of yuck will make me a better runner. It will.
I need to suck it up and stop being so hard on myself. I need to just go with the flow and have faith that I will indeed not be buried alive at work. I won't. It will all be fine. I will do great with each task assigned to me. I will perservere and grow through this experience. I will. Because in all reality, the thing weighing the heaviest on me is the desire to organize and put on an amazing race. Read about it HERE. And I will.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for finding my positivity again!
Daily Affirmation: I am strong!