10.08.2012

A New Age Division

I would love to think my recent absence from posting was due to me hanging out on the beach enjoying the sound of the surf and life; however, not quite. It has been a crazy 9 days and I can't believe Fall Break Vacation is over and it is back to school for darling daughter and back to work for me. Boo hoo....

Fortunately, I do like my job and love my co-workers so that helps a bit but I still had the hardest time getting to sleep last  night so I will be functioning today on a mere two hours of sleep. And running my scheduled 3 miles after picking up darling daughter.

For those of you who follow me via other sources, you know darling daughter caught the bug dear hubby had. Thank goodness they are both feeling better and are almost 100%. Those nagging coughs just like to linger around a bit. I spent a lot of time over the weekend cuddling darling daughter just to make being sick more bearable for her and my running was cut short. I have no regrets.

And I am sure you are wondering what all this has to do with age divisions....not much yet but yesterday was my birthday and just like that, I am in a new division. I am 40. I don't feel any different but some may say my grouchies yesterday were a sign that I did.


My plan yesterday was to run 12 miles since I opted to cuddle darling daughter on my long run day...Saturday. I woke up grouchy, achy, and plain irritable. I was even wondering if I was fighting a bit of whatever it was my family had. I think it was a yucky cold but one never really knows. However, I still pulled on my running clothes and as much as part of me wanted to hit the streets, I headed to the gym ready to go. At the mile 4 mark I was holding a GU in my hand and thinking, okay, take some gel, run another 4 miles, and regroup. My mind wasn't fully in my run but it wasn't the worst run of my life either. I have felt worse and pushed through it. I knew the joy I would feel at 12 miles but I just put the gel down and said nope. Not today. I even texted my sister and she gave me those great words of encouragement, you can do it, but all I could say was not today. I clarified that I would dig deep and kick butt next week but not today.

I still can't pinpoint exactly what was off but as I headed out of the gym with my shades on and tears welling in my eyes I just felt bummed. I started my drive home and without even realizing it was going to happen I yelled out "I want my Dad back" and I do. But it won't happen. And I know that. And I knew that then. I also had a deep rooted feeling that I didn't want to run, I just wanted my dad. But alas, it doesn't matter if I run or don't run, I can't change the fact that he lost his life to leukemia. But I can change the fact that I am still angry about it....and it has been awhile.

I would love to say I got home and I was happy go-lucky again but it took time, and some ibuprofen for girlie cramps, but eventually I found my smile. And I did kick out 2.5 miles later in the day....along with two 1-minute planks. And fortunately it was before the massage and surprise party dear hubby arranged. I had a great massage and we focused on emotional baggage. Trust me, it helps. And it was great being with friends and all that awesomeness made returning to work a wee bit harder today.

Why am I telling you all this? Not to make you sad or feel bad for me. We all suffer loss in our lives one way or another but my masseuse was right. I do have all that I need. I am taken care of. I just need to believe it and not hold all that negativity in my muscles. My body will be happier. I will be happier. My family will be happier.

Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for the words, I got you, let go.
Daily Affirmation: I am strong enough to let love into my heart when I am feeling sad or angry.

6 comments:

  1. Happy birthday! I'm sorry you had such a rough, emotional day. It's been 8 years since I lost my grandmother, the only close loss I've ever suffered, and I still have my moments where anger and sadness trump all else. (HUGS)

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  2. Happy Birthday and welcome to a fast age division (blah). I happy to hear that your day had a happy, peaceful end!

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  3. Happy 40th Birthday, Youngster!

    Hope your DD is feeling better really soon and that you get some rest and some sleep.

    I think we never really get over the death of our beloved parents, but for me, the happy memories make me smile when I start to feel blue over it.

    Hope that helps you, as well.

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  4. Happy Birthday - guess what - 40 means you now qualify for "Masters" divisions too!

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  5. 🎉Happy Birthday!!🎉 Sometimes getting things that are weighing heavy on your heart out is the start to healing. Life goes on and I'm sure your dad would definitely want you to live your life to the fullest. Keep doing what you're doing, enjoy everything and everyone around you and all else will fall into place. Thank you for your blog, you truly inspire me to be better.

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  6. Happy 40th and have fun checking the new box on all the forms.

    It's weird how grief over a loved one can just creep up on you. We did not have a funeral fo my dad and sometimes I think I see him walking on the side of the road. I have no idea why. And it's really strange since he was a truck driver.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

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