This post has been bouncing around in my head since Sunday. At first I thought sit down and post it then so it would be real and not softened by time. In hindsight, I am glad I waited because in all reality my end result isn't the desire for sympathy but to share my story, my hurdles, my successes.
I woke up on Sunday and the goal was to run 20 miles with dear hubby. I was torn since I really wanted to watch the women's Olympic marathon, which was airing at midnight here. But staying up and watching that and then running 20 miles wasn't a good idea. I sent the DVR to record the Olympics and went to bed at a somewhat decent time. Thing is, I wasn't feeling too good. Okay, I don't often feel marvelous at 5:00 am but I wasn't feeling anywhere near how I usually do. My head ached. I ate breakfast. I got nauseous. I didn't want to move an inch. I crawled back into bed and cuddled up with darling daughter and was in Heaven.
Moments later dear hubby nudged me and asked if we were running. I said I didn't feel good and that was about the extent of that conversation. Another moment went by and darling daughter woke up and looked into my eyes. I told her mommy is supposed to be running right now. She said that I should be then but then retracted with a stay with me. I got her up, fixed her breakfast, and got annoyed that dear hubby had left for "our" run without me. Really? No double check that I didn't want to go, no get up wifey and get your butt in gear, no let's just see how far you can go? I was annoyed and that was what I needed to get my butt in gear. With much drama in the house, I got dressed and was out the door running to meet up with dear hubby. Thank goodness mom picked up on my frustration and came out of the bedroom to be with darling daughter.
I wasn't 100% sure dear hubby would stick to our course since he was running solo and had to make a choice to run up and then back down to him or down and hope to catch him at the intersection. I ran up and back down. I pushed my pace and prayed to God that I caught up with him since I didn't have much water on me. And no sunscreen. And very little Body Glide. And no sunglasses. Oh my!
I did find him and got annoyed I didn't receive a bigger welcoming. I don't know what I was expecting but perhaps a high five, great job, lovely to see you dear. We started running our normal course now and my head was pounding. I didn't feel good and at one moment felt a bit dizzy....I think. I am still not sure if I was dizzy or just thinking too much about how I was feeling and perceived fake dizziness....if that makes any sense.
Since I did a weird start from home I wasn't sure of the distance and where I should take my first GU. I thought that would make me feel better. Thing is, I discovered my Nike+ sensor stopped tracking distance, but was still keeping time time, when I checked it just around 40 minutes of running. I had an idea of the distance but like back-up. I ran some more and rechecked. Nope, it still thinks I haven't gained any distance but ironically I was maintaining the same pace. I told dear hubby about my mishap and his nonchalant "no worries" was my last straw of bugginess. I turned around and said forget it.
Now don't think I gave up just due to technology. That I could have managed. I could have even stopped and tried to restart it so it could track the remaining of the run. But it was everything coming together - the headache, the potential dizziness, the realization that I had run at least 5 miles - a point where I normally take a GU and haven't even really took a sip of water, no sunscreen, no sunglasses, little Body Glide. It was like the sensor was the final sign that I was being crazy. I didn't feel good when I woke up. Perhaps I needed to just get back home.
I ran home and didn't allow myself to call mom to come a get me. I could make it home and it would be good to run out a bit more of annoyance that dear hubby didn't ask me if I would be able to make it home okay. Darnit....sometimes it is annoying that he obviously has confidence in me and doesn't feel he needs to baby me or watch over me. Argh! But right then I felt weak and wanted to be babied....or maybe I didn't. Who knows how I would have felt if he questioned my ability to get home.
By the time I got home I had completed about 8 miles of running and I wanted to cry. Cry because I didn't do 20 miles. Cry because I felt so discouraged. Cry because dear hubby was running without me. Cry because I felt weak.
However as soon as I walked in the house mom and darling daughter began to lift my spirits and we alternated between watching the women's marathon and cartoons. I had a lazy day and at the end of the day, I put out a blanket and colored with darling daughter while watching more Olympics. I was having fun and looked to her and said Mommy doesn't feel strong today. She replied that I was. I told her I would find my strong tomorrow. She said I would indeed find my strong and I smiled. If only anyone else in the room knew why I was smiling so big and how happy my heart felt. I was coloring by my four-year old daughter and truly felt that we should have been in a Saucony commercial in that moment.
Did I find my strong Monday? I am not sure. I did a mile run squeezed in between a lot of other things that had to be done but perhaps finding time for that was my strong.
Did I find my strong today? I would love to say yes I did with a long run but I ran two miles with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am working through a lot of emotions right now with mom flying out today. She has been a huge help and I am going to miss it and her. There may even be a touch of PMS, which I suspect with the intense sugar cravings and sadness. But I know I will be fine, I will run again tomorrow, I am strong and I still miss my Dad so very much.
Sunday I thought I would never run again. Sunday I thought I would never run with dear hubby again. Sunday I lost faith.
Today I know I will run again tomorrow. Today I know I will run again with dear hubby and that we will get better at it. Today I have faith in me. Today I am strong even in the moments I feel weak.
Daily Gratitude: I am thankful for tears that wash away the doubts.
Daily Affirmation: I am grateful for each experience in my life.
P.S. I am counting this as my Sweat Your Thorns off virtual 5K because darnit....it was a thorny run! But since my Nike+ sensor went wacky I can't really report my exact splits for the 5K but we can guesstimate around 28 minutes.....but let's just say....I ran it and will need to do better next year! The Sweat Your Thorns off virtual 5K was hosted by The Boring Runner.