9.23.2011

Stuck in the Middle

I aim to be a positive person and to see the gifts in life but I find myself in an emotional rut I can't get out of; therefore, I am going to share it and hopefully find the answer through forcing myself to verbalize what's going on.

First, I am a middle child and am aware of the psychology of middle children. Honestly, I know each child is special with their own gifts but my whole life I feel compared to my siblings. Not as "smart" and "successful" as my older sister, not as "darling" as my younger sister, etc. Plus, I have always shared because that is what you do and I do love to share. But I feel there has always been that unfulfilled desire to have something special of my own. My own whatever and I feel it is being transferred over to my running --- this is something I could do and be "special".

I want to be a successful runner and would like that to be "my thing". I am not asking to be super speedy just that running can be special to me in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to be the only runner out there. I really want others to run too because I love it so much and really, how much fun would a race be if I was the only runner in the world?

What irks me is all the effort and sacrifices I put into my training to reach my successes knowing that perhaps my successes would be greater if I had more training time. But I am happy with my accomplishments and know with time, I can make improvements. Rationally, I know all this and I know I am really only competing against myself and doing the best I can at that moment. But emotionally I get so frustrated when others get successes without any perceived sacrifices.

Let me put it frankly, this past weekend my dear hubby placed first in his division in the half marathon. I should be super happy for him and I am happy but annoyed. Why? First, I had to drag it out of him because he didn't want to tell me. Second, he then complained a bit that he could have done better. What?! Although in his defense, he stated later he was happy. This whole thing leaves me feeling down on myself since I am not happier for him and I am wondering if I am a "bad" wife. Perhaps I would feel happier if he made the same sacrifices of getting up before the cows to run instead of running after work and knowing I had our daughter taken care of and was making dinner. Perhaps if for the past two months I haven't had multiple co-workers telling me how awesome he was and how committed he was for running so much. You see, he runs where they see him as they leave work where as I train before they are even awake.

So I guess I am just annoyed by it all and really shouldn't be. I did run a marathon and did an awesome job training (even if no one saw). I know the truth and I really don't want to be on a pedestal. I just don't want to be completely overshadowed and am tired of being stuck in the middle.

* All images from BING

2 comments:

  1. First of all: You ran a MARATHON and he ran a half marathon, give yourself props for that, you ran 13.1 more than him. Second of All: Consider age and the amount of people in your division. For instance I ran a 10k with my Stepmom and helped pace her...I'm in the 25-29 division and she is in the 55-59 division, she placed 2nd with 11 min miles and I obviously didn't come close to placing but, there was only 6 people in her division.
    Not that you’re in "competition" with your husband but it helps to factor in those differences.
    Last but not least, not many people can run a marathon. You have.
    Be encouraged and focus on the accomplishments you have achieved and not on the negatives in life. We all fight with the "doubting voice" that tries to bring us down. Running a Marathon is an amazing accomplishment and you are an inspiration to not only me but many others in the world that desire to conquer a first marathon.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Kris -- It is good to hear the same things I have been telling myself from someone else. :)

    ReplyDelete

Mahalo for your comments!